The art of surrendering

heart-stones

“Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.”

What in fact does surrendering actually mean?  Where in my life do I need the most surrendering?  Is there ever a time that it actually feels easier to do than other times?  Or is it me just putting pressure on myself to be somewhere else instead allowing myself to be ok with what is?

I am facing just how much I need to surrender.  Surrender my control, my fears, my anger, my hurts and my past.  There is a feeling of out of control and out of my power to have any ability to heal.  But I know I have too.  I know it’s time, but where on earth do I begin?

Surrendering to what?  Surrendering to my heart?  Surrendering to my bliss?  Where is it? What does it look like?  And how many people actually can do it?  What would my life look like if I could do this with ease?

I wish I had the answers.  I wish I could just embrace this concept, but it feels like the biggest wall to climb over.   Or is it that I just feel so weak that I have no strength to climb over it.   When I can’t see the other side, I feel the fear (which is the wall) owns me.  Consumes me.  Inhabits my life and keeps me frozen.

I am at a core.  A core of beliefs.  A deep seated belief that tells me I can not become better for it would mean changing.  Becoming soft and open.  Becoming light and happy.  My ego has me in shackles.  My ego has taken me to the level of extremes and tells me under no circumstance will I break free.  Breaking free of what?  Breaking free of my shackles that chain me to my beliefs.  Breaking free to that which serves me no longer.

Please pray for me.  Pray that I may find grace and surrender.  Surrender to my fears.  They are so big right now. 
I ache to be free.  And yet, I am a pillar of stone.  I am unable to move into a direction that says I can do it.  I remain frozen and all I can do is pray.  Pray for grace.  Pray for movement.  Pray that I one day will be brave enough.  For now, I acknowledge the depths of this fear.  I accept that I am where I am.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  I will allow for the possibilities that healing can happen at any moment.  This moment feels real.  I know it’s not, but I acknowledge that it feels like that right now.

When I ask What would someone who loves themselves do?  I hear to allow for life to fill me up.  I will ponder on how I can fill up.  I’ve been just so raw all week.  

This too shall pass.

Month 5 is kicking my a**.  Sigh….

4 thoughts on “The art of surrendering

  1. Those fears have protected you for many years. Now that you no longer need them, the FEAR is AFRAID that you no longer need its protection. If you can stay in your stuck place, movement will arise naturally. You will move from the ‘sterile void’ to the ‘fertile void’ as Fritz Perls called it. Om Shanti.

  2. Thank you Saralee. That’s exactly what it feels like. The fear being afraid. I actually was allowing myself to acknowledge the stuck place. I read something that had the language I needed. Forgive…Let go….allow… I saw that was the order of things. I didn’t know that. I also acknowledged that there are a lot of things to do before going straight to the pin point of fear. Last night I saw some helpful things to focus on instead. It felt like a good turning point. Very subtle though. But non the less, helpful information. I feel I am becoming more solution based that problem based. The healing is in the solutions, not the problems. That definitely brings relief. I appreciate you a lot Saralee.

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