Yesterday was the first day of Brene Brown‘s E-course on Vulnerability. It’s called The Gifts of Imperfection. I said yes to taking the course because I knew if I didn’t, I would never get any closer to loving myself. Actually when I asked “What would someone who loves themselves do?” I heard absolutely take it.
I wasn’t going to share this all yet because it is so personal. However, it is precisely why I am doing this blog and how transformational this year is for me. Stepping into my courage to say I am imperfect and I am enough is very scary for me to say out loud, never mind POST it here. One of the challenges was to take a picture of it as a pledge and to put it in our journals along with using it as our Avatar for the 6 weeks. To remember we are imperfect and we are enough. Yesterday, I could not do this.
This morning, while showering, I think I whispered it. Then I asked why it was so hard to do this. Then I asked myself what I was feeling. I realized I have so much fear around perfectionism. I do not consider myself a perfectionist. My mom however I believes does. So I grew up in the home of that kind of energy. It was so NOT fun. If I didn’t do things well, she would yell at me that I was doing it wrong. Even in my 20’s! How ridiculous is that!
I do find I have high expectations for myself. I strive to always do my best. However, sometimes in doing my best, I fear that I am doing it so I won’t get told I am doing it “wrong”. In fact, one of my biggest angst in parenting the first year was that I was afraid of doing it wrong. And then having to face people with all that shame of wrongness. This belief still haunts me. I do my best to face it when it comes up, but I do recognize how deep it runs in me. So for me to say I am imperfect I realized this morning, means I have to accept my flaws. And in realizing THAT,I realized because I don’t accept them, how can I expect my husband to accept them. Or anyone else for that matter, but really it took me by surprise to see that it mattered about my husband.
If I am carrying this thought form, how much of it is impacting our relationship. It has to be huge.
As for the other part of this, Louise Hay had an affirmation from a calendar years ago that I taped on my fridge. It said, I am neither too much nor too little. I am just right. I was told by so many people over the years that I am too much. I am to big. I am too loud or have too much attitude or too intense or too angry, too heavy or too deep or too much of a lot of things I don’t need to list. To say that I am enough is a good thing for me to embrace. I have done this over the last 10 years and feel I am good with this belief, but the imperfect one has me hiding. So here I am today to pledge that I am going to walk into my courage and say I am imperfect and I am enough because that’s what someone who loves themselves believes.