Digging Deep – Where Secrets Want to Sleep.

Shakti photo with writing on hand

“I am imperfect and I am enough.”

 

Yesterday was the first day of Brene Brown‘s E-course on Vulnerability.  It’s called The Gifts of Imperfection.  I said yes to taking the course because I knew if I didn’t, I would never get any closer to loving myself.  Actually when I asked “What would someone who loves themselves do?” I heard absolutely take it.

I wasn’t going to share this all yet because it is so personal.  However, it is precisely why I am doing this blog and how transformational this year is for me.  Stepping into my courage to say I am imperfect and I am enough is very scary for me to say out loud, never mind POST it here.  One of the challenges was to take a picture of it as a pledge and to put it in our journals along with using it as our Avatar for the 6 weeks.  To remember we are imperfect and we are enough.  Yesterday, I could not do this.

This morning, while showering, I think I whispered it.  Then I asked why it was so hard to do this.  Then I asked myself what I was feeling.  I realized I have so much fear around perfectionism.  I do not consider myself a perfectionist.  My mom however I believes does.  So I grew up in the home of that kind of energy.  It was so NOT fun.  If I didn’t do things well, she would yell at me that I was doing it wrong.  Even in my 20’s! How ridiculous is that!

I do find I have high expectations for myself.  I strive to always do my best.  However, sometimes in doing my best, I fear that I am doing it so I won’t get told I am doing it “wrong”.  In fact, one of my biggest angst in parenting the first year was that I was afraid of doing it wrong.  And then having to face people with all that shame of wrongness.  This belief still haunts me.  I do my best to face it when it comes up, but I do recognize how deep it runs in me.  So for me to say I am imperfect I realized this morning, means I have to accept my flaws.  And in realizing THAT, I realized because I don’t accept them, how can I expect my husband to accept them.  Or anyone else for that matter, but really it took me by surprise to see that it mattered about my husband.

If I am carrying this thought form, how much of it is impacting our relationship.  It has to be huge.

As for the other part of this, Louise Hay had an affirmation from a calendar years ago that I taped on my fridge.  It said, I am neither too much nor too little.  I am just right.   I was told by so many people over the years that I am too much.  I am to big.  I am too loud or have too much attitude or too intense or too angry, too heavy or too deep or too much of a lot of things I don’t need to list.  To say that I am enough is a good thing for me to embrace.  I have done this over the last 10 years and feel I am good with this belief, but the imperfect one has me hiding.  So here I am today to pledge that I am going to walk into my courage and say I am imperfect and I am enough because that’s what someone who loves themselves believes.

4 thoughts on “Digging Deep – Where Secrets Want to Sleep.

  1. Thank you. It feels a bit daunting, but if I take it one step at a time and believe that none of this makes up who I authentically am, then I am in a good place to do the work. I’ve had a lot of tears this week.

  2. I can believe it’s daunting but the steps and changes will happen only at a pace that you can manage 🙂 And you are already in a good place, simply by recognising and embarking on the path. Wishing you all the very best.

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