This is a journey for sure. As I continue into this, so many changes have taken place.
The most obvious one for me is the question. Something happened after 6 months. I feel doing Brene Brown’s e-course sped things up for me and the question of “What would someone who loves themselves do?” stopped. It was really obvious. Sometimes I will ask it for clarification, but for the most part a completion phase occurred. I was not looking for it, obviously, but non the less, there is a significant change. I’ll get to what it changed it in a moment.
The other really noticeable piece here is, I am in a cocoon. I haven’t been writing a lot because my entire energy field of thinking, writing, etc has somewhat shut down. I am being protected, so it seems. I am definitely experiencing a lot of emotions, being very vulnerable and brave, facing my fears, and as Brene says “Being brave and scared at the same time”.
I have stepped into a new phase, one that I am calling “The Practice”. Part of me is like, “Is it going to be the rest of my life?, Is it just for 6 months?, etc… The reason I am not asking the question of What would someone who loves themselves do? is because I am practicing what someone who loves themselves does. I don’t need to ask it. My brain automatically recognizes what I need to say to myself. So I am saying or doing one of two things.
1) I am saying, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you and All is well.”
2)Or I am asking the question “What no one has ever told me and I’ve always needed to hear ?”, and then saying the answer out loud or silently.
Each one of these creates a shift. Sometimes I need to say both to myself. It depends on the trigger and it depends on the emotion. All I know is IT IS WORKING. 🙂
It appears that gratitude has increased in me. It feels like it is easier to access.
I am praying and asking for help more. I don’t feel alone. I do however see that things still can feel really hard at times. Part of it is the time of year for me. Part of it is as I do the above work, I am making more space inside myself for more to come. I don’t stay stuck in the same thoughts all day long because I can move them out.
I am also feeling incredibly full right now with all my multitasking. It’s a time of year where every part of me is screaming to slow down and yet, it’s not really an option. Birthdays and holidays as well as school activities take a lot of energy. I am doing my best and frankly in my opinion, “it’s not good enough.” But, I am ok with that.
I stepped into some really big courage Tuesday and the tears and anxiety to overcome were big. My wish is that it will get easier and easier as I do this, but from where I was 7 months ago, it’s all in stages. Some areas that seemed really hard are easier and yet I still face really emotional moments of saying yes to things.
Today someone shared an Eleanor Roosevelt quote with me. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You re able to say to yourself. ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
The “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” is true. When I am facing these moments, asking “Would someone who loves themselves do it?” is very comforting. It actually does get me moving through the anxiety. I am learning we all face this aspect in our lives. I didn’t know that. I am glad that we are all here for each other.
This seems appropriate for where I am today. Brene Brown’s e-course ends this week. The last weeks topic is on Faith and uncertainty. I can certainly see the synchronicity’s of my life and how they have lined up with this class. In this past month, I believe I have learned where my biggest fear resides. It is in the “I don’t know.” It truly is what keeps me feeling suffocated and panicked in moving freely, spontaneously and joyfully. It seems I have to break through that barrier to get to the fun, the joy and the living. As I say these new phrases to myself, I am finding more movement.
I am looking forward to coming out of this cocooning phase. I suspect when I do, not only will I have completely transformed, but I believe transformations will occur around me touching all those near and far. I have a soul mission and it is clear that I am willing to do whatever it takes. I can’t say I have enjoyed it, but I can say there is greater relief and I am willing to show up. That is huge for me.