I am closing in on 8 months. Wow, I can’t believe a month has gone by already. I want to say it’s been wonderful but with the way fall hits me, the expectations and demands on me come spiraling in when school gets out and I’m on full-time and my husband had to travel for work, for a week. He came home sick. So it’s been 3 weeks of everyone being sick, including me. I spent 3 days in bed unable to move this week. My youngest son has had 2 fevers, 2 colds and now is working on burying me in his hysteria and emotional imbalance. My other son has had a fever for 4 days….and so it goes. I haven’t been inspired but I have been brave enough to show up. I have done my best to say “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you and all is well”. It brings me profound inner peace when I do it. The night I had a lot of pain in my body from the fever, I spent the entire night looking for relief. Those words were the only relief I could find. However, when my youngest son has done everything possible to own me in every way and in his misery pull us all down with him, the profound insanity of it all that created my own suffering (because I have not been allowed to do anything without a total meltdown on his end) left my nervous system a wreck. I could manage I’m sorry and then I would break down and cry. This has been a grueling week for me. A lot of unwanted anger is appearing because the other option is to collapse or explode (literally). I am practicing my gratitude’s to get through it. I am finding ways to get the cry out so I am not carrying the deep ache in my heart.
That being said, I had a moment 2 nights ago that showed me something changing.
I had a revelation while I was talking to my aunt about my dad. My dad and I have a lot of history as you know. Since doing Brene’s class, I have come to really understand what shame is. I am less afraid of it. I am more aware of it. I see it easier and I see people hiding behind it more. I also see when I dish it out. I understand the place I am coming from and what is triggering it. As I talked to my aunt, for the first time in my life, I saw the wizard of oz curtain that is used too often to describe hiding behind. For the first time, I see my dad hiding behind a lifetime of shame. For every action he has ever done (heavy on the negative) I see an accumulation of shame that he hides behind. His entire life is chock- full of shame. I actually see the human under it desperately seeking connection. But since he’s terrified to show that, he must seek the power to gain to overcome the intense shame. What a horrible state of mind he lives in and for the first time in my life, I actually am sad for him. However, because the internal conflict of love/hate I have with him is so big, for me to be with this sadness, for me to connect with his human side like this, means I have to allow myself to feel the feelings I have avoided for a long time for many many reasons. I can see the path. It will have a lot of art on it. It’s a big journal.
As I walk into 2014 with profound gratitude of the foundation built in 2013, I have given myself permission to seek out a therapist. I actually am in a very new position for receiving help. I feel I know exactly where I need the help, I am not getting caught in my own shame about it and I am capable of leaning into the solutions to come. It’s been a long time coming that I have needed to reach out, but because of all of my own shame, I haven’t been capable of getting past the embarrassment of reaching out. I am growing leaps and bounds and this year is one to prove it. This year I have everything to gain and nothing to lose. This year I open myself to self discovery and can be brave and scared at the same time.
Happy New Year. May the wellness angels exist all around you. May they sweep the germs and clear any and all negativity that has swallowed you up. Blessings to you and your families. Blessings to you and your visions. Blessings to you and your life.