Yes, I am going to be stringing this subject along for a while. It’s just too good to pass up. Today I watched the live Q & A session from Brene Brown’s Part 1 class and she shared something that just hit the hammer on the nail. This is for everyone and I thought I would share it.
She was talking about how to cultivate and set healthy boundaries. A topic that we all are challenged with.
Worthiness – is about alignment with our values, authenticity and being in our own skin. We can’t cultivate worth without boundaries. Therefore, we must do the work. And what is the work? It’s practicing it. It’s learning how bad we are at doing this until we get it right. It’s being imperfect at it while we do our best believing we are worthy and important.
Perfectionism – If I look perfect, live perfect, and do it all perfect, I can avoid shame, judgment and criticism.
It’s a way that we protect ourselves from hurt.
This is so powerful because this is obviously how I think. (And I am an out of the box person so you can only imagine how my mind carries all this). Brene continued, “what leads us into this idea is that we believe we can save ourselves from being hurt AND therefore we believe we can make ourselves more loveable.”
BUT we can’t avoid it, these are human experiences. So rather than perfectionism saving us, we carry it around like a 20 ton shield. And it keeps us from being seen.
So really, this is like a 12 step meeting. Hi my name is Shakti and I am a perfectionist. I believe that how I live is really about protecting myself so I don’t have to worry about being shamed, judged or criticized. And in so doing, I believe I am protecting myself from getting hurt. (When really I am just snuffing out the joy in my life).
And to make it even more spot on, it really is all about what other people think, so I am lovable.
How’s it working for me? Not good.
So the solution of practicing boundaries is a whole other thing. When I do practice boundaries, I think I become a boundary bully and overshoot them making people mad at me. Or worse, I do a terrible job and clean it up with pleasing. Oh the drama in my head.
I know you all can relate to this. I am just speaking it out loud. The being lovable part for me was such a deep need growing up that I think I always carry it around in my personality. Especially, because I believed I wasn’t loved in my family for so long growing up, I have spent a lifetime seeking that lovability. But what I am realizing is you can’t buy lovability outside of yourself. I believe we are all inherently lovable. We just have to believe it. We have to let go our limiting beliefs so we can receive what is already existing within our authenticity.
And this is why it’s called “Growing Pains”.
And this is where the magic lives.