I have had many breakthroughs this past week. I feel the commitment I have made for this year has given me a determined timeframe to do the work that I set forth on doing this year. It has been very profound.
Where to begin! Oy….
I guess the best place to start is where my basic area of healing has always been, with my dad. I decided to no longer be “The Keeper of Silence” and have written him a letter. It is the first time in my life that I have voiced anything to him about my abuse. There has been an unwritten agreement that has kept us held in bondage for my entire life. I can no longer support this. It came about in conversation with a friend and she suggested I release him. I cried a bunch and then called another friend. She suggested that I write it in this form.
What were my expectations as a child?
What are the needs of a child?
What were the gifts that I walked away with from my childhood?
Release anything that is not mine and take back what is mine.
I spent 2 1/2 hrs with my therapist discussing each point. I had started writing and crossing out furiously over and over. Then I quieted my mind and ask “What would someone who loves themselves write?” And I did. It was amazing what came out. With my therapist we got to the heart of the letter and it was very very liberating for me. I declared my self-respect, I declared my power and I declared my independence. It was very profound. I want to share a piece of the letter because I know it’s not just for me. I really understand how “The truth shall set you free”. I felt the release in such a profound way that my life will be forever changed. I can see how this kind of transformation requires so much of a self- love foundation. Before I move on to my husband, here is a part of the letter that strikes me deeply.
“It mattered so much for so long how much I cared about what you thought of me. It has only given me suffering and held me back in my life. I own my purpose now. It’s not yours. I am not threatened by your power. It only serves you to be seen. It only serves you to hide any weakness you carry. I am no longer going to carry your weakness. It’s not mine. It’s yours, and I give it back to you.”
“I want you, dad, to take responsibility for creating life. My life. Honoring me, my choices, my heart, my world, my joy, my children, my personality, my existence….It ALL MATTERS. I matter. I no longer will accept your choice to keep me from owning my truth. I am freeing myself and walking my joy and my love in self-respect. Take this empty void that you gave me back. I honor your path and let you decide where it needs to go. It isn’t mine.”
What truly amazes me in doing this letter is the non confrontational aspect of it. It was created from a voice that very much needed to speak and she did it beautifully. There wasn’t any part of what I wrote that I would take back. I have no idea what will happen next, but I have freed myself from this bondage that we were both enabling each other with. My personal growth this year has been my most successful year I have ever had. Self-Love is seriously the key that will set you free.
The other HUGE piece was the day before with my husband. We finally had a breakthrough as well. Or at least I did. It’s been so intense for me. I can see why people would rather get divorced than to work through things. It’s very painful. But I am doing it and I can see the freedom coming from it. I finally could see how much my husband has sacrificed for me over the last 18 years. I could really see how two people in love could radically stray from what once was. With the beautiful tender hearted-ness he came from when I met him, he created a loving space for me to heal. I didn’t know that walking into the relationship. It unfolded in time. And because of the reality that happened 1 1/2 years into our courtship, a karmic path was laid. This karmic path also had its own “unwritten rules” and both my husband and myself felt prey to ignorance and lack of skills. In doing so, without my understanding of shame/fear/love and belonging that Brene Brown speaks, I was afraid to reach out for help in the way that I understand now. AND because of that, my husband has endured a lot of me leaning on him as a “mental health practitioner”. And I can assure you he is not that. But I have asked him to be that. We have much healing to go, but it is profound when the clarity is spoken and owned. We have lost so much because of this. We have strayed immensely from each other. We have lost sight of what really matters and we have a chance to create a new life together. Not many people are willing to work it out and I am very grateful that we will achieve grace together.
I am looking forward to sharing my offerings with you very soon. Originally I had set it up for May 5th, but I’m aiming for May 12th now. I promise you will be VERY excited to see what’s in store for you all. I have been a busy busy beaver. It’s hard to believe that I can juggle this much life all at once. But I am …..