“Oh the tangled web we weave within. Grieving that which we can bear no longer. Connected to our truth we untangle what we can, when we can. There is no place for disconnect when we heal ourselves deep within. The only suffering that exists is in the mind that says we are abandoned and alone. We suffer through ignorance and lose our place when we numb ourselves to avoid our truth. What is our truth? The one who denies such truth is our enemy. But our enemies are our teachers. So in truth we suffer only to spare ourselves that which we believe we can not bear.”
February has been a very heart-felt month. Surrendering and humbled, I sit with my tears and feel once again the confusion between grief and suffering.
I once asked a dear friend of mine what she thought the difference between grief and suffering was. Her answer was profound and true. Grief has an end whereas suffering doesn’t. Through the years, I have witnessed this within myself. Almost always when the tears of grief shed, there will always come a place of closure. Even though it may feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and out of control there will always come a moment where I move through the grief. I gain myself back and feel a sense of peace and even some inner light. Relief was given where pressure had built up to the point where a release was needed.
Suffering, in my experience always comes from a place of isolation, disconnect and abandonment (to oneself or with others). I often feel it is impossible to reach out to someone when I am crying through disconnect, as the suffering feels so isolating. Belonging and Connection are deeply desired within ourselves that if we don’t have it, we can experience such emotions through disconnect.
The only means that I know of to connect back when I feel I am in the loop of suffering is breathing and prayer. Recognizing that I am suffering is important because if I don’t ask if this is grief, I will cry and cry and cry feeling a deep loss within and without.
When we find ourselves facing difficult and emotional times, look to see if you are grieving or if you have decided to numb out through disconnect. We don’t do it intentionally, it can be out of habit and fear of experiencing our intense emotions. Giving ourselves permission to be human is very much a process of surrendering and acceptance of what is.
“What is” often feels like we are itching to get out of our skin. “What is” often feels like we want to run and hide.
However, “What is” is simply being present with what is. Acknowledging the emotions, acknowledging our pain or sadness so we can accept it. Acceptance brings truth to where we are in this moment. And in doing so, great healing takes place.
That is a miracle, in my opinion.
© All rights reserved. 2014
“When we appreciate the good, the good appreciates.”
Tal Ben-Shahar gives a remarkable presentation on happiness.
Do we give ourselves permission to be human?
Do we give others permission to be human?
Do we accept our intense emotions?
Are we lazy? Are we active? How do we handle stress?
Do we give ourselves time to replenish? Do we simplify when the “busyness” gets out of control?
Are we savoring what is in the moment?
Do we meditate? Do you practice cultivating gratitude?
3 deep breaths….
Real change only comes with action.
Applying ourselves through action.
This is my life. The awareness to it all and yet, watching this brought me a heavy heart. Knowing and applying are very different concepts. I am actually applying myself in a lot of areas, but like with anything, once you know better, you want to do better. There lies the problem. I know better and yet, I am unable to do better. Why? Because I still rely on outside influences to the degree that keep me from the self-care I really need. With little ones, it’s just impossible to have any kind of flow to my day. So really it’s about not being attached and going with what shows up. But my basic needs don’t get met and then I lose ground on the “doing better when I know better”.
Finding balance with a family is an art and I can see I have lots of learning in this arena. Today, showing up was enough. I can accept that. Baby steps…it’s the best I can do today.
“When you hold on to your history, you do so at the expense of your destiny.”
Bishop T.D. Jakes
I just love this quote. It pretty much sums up what I am doing. When we have spent a lifetime defining ourselves from our story, we limit ourselves. Breaking out of this allows one to unfold and discover just how much energy is freed up for you to create. Create your life. Creative expression comes out in a million different ways for everyone. When you let the history go, you are free to create. Free to be and do anything. You have the passion, the drive and the energy to move in any way you want to. Isn’t that worth its weight in gold? Why would you choose anything else.
I know the ego wants to believe and have justice for whatever it is that you are holding on too. Sometimes, all we can do is take baby steps. But with each baby step you take in creating and expressing yourself as you are right now, without the story, you allow life and its mystery’s to live through you.
This morning I witnessed a lot of emotions wanting to surface. It really did not matter what the story was. The emotions wanted to be released. My mind gets really unsettled when stuff wants to bubble up and out in overwhelming ways. So I made every effort to allow it while creating and expressing. I put on my favorite music and for 3 ½ hours I painted. I allowed myself to be nourished by the music, by the colors and by just being present with what is.
I love watercolors. I love that spring wants to emerge out of me. And I love that I found a way to connect with what comforts me while working out the releases. Nothing bad happened, I found myself feeling the music and creating what needed to be expressed without the story. It was powerful. I am thankful that I was able to have this time to myself. Here is what I made.