I have had many breakthroughs this past week. I feel the commitment I have made for this year has given me a determined timeframe to do the work that I set forth on doing this year. It has been very profound.
Where to begin! Oy….
I guess the best place to start is where my basic area of healing has always been, with my dad. I decided to no longer be “The Keeper of Silence” and have written him a letter. It is the first time in my life that I have voiced anything to him about my abuse. There has been an unwritten agreement that has kept us held in bondage for my entire life. I can no longer support this. It came about in conversation with a friend and she suggested I release him. I cried a bunch and then called another friend. She suggested that I write it in this form.
What were my expectations as a child?
What are the needs of a child?
What were the gifts that I walked away with from my childhood?
Release anything that is not mine and take back what is mine.
I spent 2 1/2 hrs with my therapist discussing each point. I had started writing and crossing out furiously over and over. Then I quieted my mind and ask “What would someone who loves themselves write?” And I did. It was amazing what came out. With my therapist we got to the heart of the letter and it was very very liberating for me. I declared my self-respect, I declared my power and I declared my independence. It was very profound. I want to share a piece of the letter because I know it’s not just for me. I really understand how “The truth shall set you free”. I felt the release in such a profound way that my life will be forever changed. I can see how this kind of transformation requires so much of a self- love foundation. Before I move on to my husband, here is a part of the letter that strikes me deeply.
“It mattered so much for so long how much I cared about what you thought of me. It has only given me suffering and held me back in my life. I own my purpose now. It’s not yours. I am not threatened by your power. It only serves you to be seen. It only serves you to hide any weakness you carry. I am no longer going to carry your weakness. It’s not mine. It’s yours, and I give it back to you.”
“I want you, dad, to take responsibility for creating life. My life. Honoring me, my choices, my heart, my world, my joy, my children, my personality, my existence….It ALL MATTERS. I matter. I no longer will accept your choice to keep me from owning my truth. I am freeing myself and walking my joy and my love in self-respect. Take this empty void that you gave me back. I honor your path and let you decide where it needs to go. It isn’t mine.”
What truly amazes me in doing this letter is the non confrontational aspect of it. It was created from a voice that very much needed to speak and she did it beautifully. There wasn’t any part of what I wrote that I would take back. I have no idea what will happen next, but I have freed myself from this bondage that we were both enabling each other with. My personal growth this year has been my most successful year I have ever had. Self-Love is seriously the key that will set you free.
The other HUGE piece was the day before with my husband. We finally had a breakthrough as well. Or at least I did. It’s been so intense for me. I can see why people would rather get divorced than to work through things. It’s very painful. But I am doing it and I can see the freedom coming from it. I finally could see how much my husband has sacrificed for me over the last 18 years. I could really see how two people in love could radically stray from what once was. With the beautiful tender hearted-ness he came from when I met him, he created a loving space for me to heal. I didn’t know that walking into the relationship. It unfolded in time. And because of the reality that happened 1 1/2 years into our courtship, a karmic path was laid. This karmic path also had its own “unwritten rules” and both my husband and myself felt prey to ignorance and lack of skills. In doing so, without my understanding of shame/fear/love and belonging that Brene Brown speaks, I was afraid to reach out for help in the way that I understand now. AND because of that, my husband has endured a lot of me leaning on him as a “mental health practitioner”. And I can assure you he is not that. But I have asked him to be that. We have much healing to go, but it is profound when the clarity is spoken and owned. We have lost so much because of this. We have strayed immensely from each other. We have lost sight of what really matters and we have a chance to create a new life together. Not many people are willing to work it out and I am very grateful that we will achieve grace together.
I am looking forward to sharing my offerings with you very soon. Originally I had set it up for May 5th, but I’m aiming for May 12th now. I promise you will be VERY excited to see what’s in store for you all. I have been a busy busy beaver. It’s hard to believe that I can juggle this much life all at once. But I am …..
Loving the sunshine.
“Like with all newborns, life is growing, developing and becoming who we inherently are. Let my rebirth allow such joy and freedom as part of my existence.”
Funny how it never really crossed my mind when I started this year commitment that there would be a significant change at 9 months….as if I was birthing myself. It just never crossed my mind. And yet, I would say some kind of transformation took place the last month. Some kind of metamorphosis took place and so even though I don’t feel transformed, I know I am transforming.
Deeper inside (as in looking at myself from the outside in), I see the multi-layers of my mental thinking. Externally (in my mind) I appear weaker and more exhausted and still needing the rest from the last month of sickness (others around me see something totally different I am sure of that). However, deep inside I feel clearer. I feel aligned and I feel stronger and even lighter. It’s such a weird thing to witness.
What I feel is happening has to do with my ego shedding. The external represents all of that. The ego is experiencing so much contrast and the heaviness and emotions and fears and all its wants to keep me held back. I think January was about my life completely unraveling. All the threads. The inner mind is aware of what is happening and my guidance system is working really well. I was talking with a friend yesterday about how as I have been painting I have been losing weight. Some of the weight loss was from my fever bouts where I couldn’t eat, but after I got back on track, my appetite changed. I am less hungry. It crossed my mind that I am feeding and nourishing myself/ my soul at a real “aligned” place and I believe it is giving me what I need. Because of this, I am less hungry. I am still eating and I still get hungry, but I think I have found a difference (a balance) between real hunger and the habit of eating.
It is so hard to know whether or not all these changes and getting sick have to do with the new year and the new energies that come with the year of the wood horse. Or if it is really from all the personal growth and birthing after 9 months of my commitment. What I know for sure is, I have accelerated my personal growth to a point that my soul has expanded to a place that my body is no longer capable of sustaining without some form of integration. The battle between the drive to move forward and live my purpose and the fear that holds me back from my past is evident. So here I am. This is what has brought me to therapy. (At least one of the reasons.). I must find the stamina, the practice and the momentum to integrate this into my body. My intellect has hit a place of “too much input” and I don’t want any more until I can release and move and sustain what I have.
I have been told that exercising/moving my body is a must to integrate all of this. My response is always the same…that it always makes me cry a lot. It’s always been an issue. Doctors look at me with three heads. Friends look at me without any compassion. And years go by with starting and stopping exercise routines, so often because the emotions that come with the movement tend to be over the top. Frankly it’s not fun. Who wants to go for a walk when all it does is bring tears. My acupuncture the other day said something really profound about this. She said, then make it my practice. If it takes 5 months to get past all the tears, then it means all of the stuff that is coming out in the form of tears is stored in my body. This is integrating. Uggh! For me though, it feels like a lifetime of tears that move out. That feeling when things feel “forever”. So my goal for this year is to embrace it.
In fact, my new affirmation that is bringing me much peace is “I now digest and assimilate my life’s lessons with grace and ease.” The bottom line is, it’s time for me to stop running from them. It’s time for me to stop fighting them. It’s time I accept the lessons, as it’s so crystal clear that they don’t go away. (As much as I wish they would.) They need to be digested, assimilated, and integrated into me. And so, I started painting them. Yes, what better way than for me to visually see the truth through colors and let it nourish me that way. I have 6 life lessons that I see. Loving myself, Listening (whether it’s listening to myself or others, I am not clear yet. Both make sense), opening up, receiving joy, letting go and being present. These are my lessons that have shown up throughout my life. Perhaps there is one word to describe several of them, but this is how I heard it. So I will paint each one and let the vibration of that be a compass of healing. I started the listening one yesterday. When I ask what it looks like, I heard “breathing space”.
My journey of self discovery, my journey of integrating my physical body and my soul so inner peace resides and my journey of living authentically continue. I will remind myself often that it’s the journey and not the destination. So I will enjoy the ride.
I pray that my work I am doing has the ability to help others undergo their own transformations. Sometimes it just feels comforting when we know we aren’t the only one going through these growing pains. I have also updated my artwork on my blog under the tab of inspiration/art work if you haven’t seen it yet.